you feel you don't belong (neither do i)
by outruntheavalanche
Summary: [The Floating Rib was bustling with life and energy, and all Valerie really wanted to do is curl up with a bottle of rum, a dish of peanuts, and feel sorry for herself.] Valerie Spencer, Dillon Quartermaine, and Kiki Jerome commiserate.


I decided I wanted Val to find new friends who aren't really tied to Dante or Lulu and just started writing this. This presumes that Kiki's role in Carly's accident hasn't been discovered, or has been covered up. Or consider this a canon divergence where there never was an accident.

I'm playing kinda fast-and-loose with Kiki's living arrangements here too, but honestly I mostly FF through the Kiki/Franco/Nina scenes. I also don't know how well Dillon and/or Valerie know Kiki.

Title from "Good is Good," by Sheryl Crow.

* * *

Valerie settled down on an empty stool with a heavy sigh and set her purse on the bar next to her. The Floating Rib was bustling with life and energy, and all Valerie really wanted to do is curl up with a bottle of rum, a dish of peanuts, and feel sorry for herself.

It had been a couple weeks since the disastrous Halloween party, and Valerie was still reeling from the humiliation. Everyone at the PCPD looked at her with suspicion now, she was sure of it. She'd even overheard a couple of her coworkers gossiping in the ladies' room, snickering about Valerie spending "too much time with Detective West," how "Maxie better keep an eye on her man, Val's on the prowl."

It was embarrassing as hell, and Valerie had—more than a few times—considered giving her two-weeks' notice and vamoosing back where she came from. Sure, she didn't really have anyone left back home, but she sure as hell didn't have anyone in Port Charles either. Dillon had seen to that with his disgusting stunt.

Dillon's self-centered self-righteousness and a few minutes of explosive video footage had blown up her tentative connections to the Spencer clan, dashed her burgeoning bonds with Maxie and Lulu, and had all but severed her friendship—the most important friendship she'd made since coming to Port Charles—with Dante.

Sighing wearily, Valerie grabbed her wallet out of her purse and flashed her ID to the bartender, ordering herself a rum and Coke.

"Go light on the Coke," she quipped, offering the bartender a wry smile.

He eyed her and raised an eyebrow, as he stooped to get a glass from behind the counter. "Rough night?"

"You could say that," Valerie said, twisting her lips into a half-smile.

"Hope you gave 'em hell," he said, sliding the rum and Coke across the bar to her on a little white napkin. "Pretty thing like you, you oughtta be livin' it up. Enjoyin' yourself."

"Thanks for the thought," Valerie said, stirring her plastic straw in her drink, "but I don't think I'll be living it up anytime soon. I think becoming a hermit sounds pretty good right now."

"Fancy meeting you here."

Valerie looked over. Kiki Jerome—cousin Morgan's more-off-than-on girlfriend, Valerie thought, though she wasn't entirely sure—slid awkwardly onto the empty stool beside her. She looked like she'd probably already knocked back a couple drinks.

"Kiki, right?" Valerie asked, relieved when Kiki nodded and smiled at her.

Valerie hadn't realized what a relief it would be to see a friendly face until just then. She'd quickly gotten used to people around town giving her curious, amused, or even disgusted looks.

"The one and only," Kiki said, leaning across the bar. "Make me the dirtiest dirty martini you can come up with and I'll make it worth your while, Stevie."

"On a first name basis with the bartender, I guess?" Valerie smiled, charmed despite herself. She'd heard stories about Kiki's volatile relationship with Morgan and her trip to rock-bottom. The girl seemed unusually sure of herself for someone who'd been through the emotional ringer as Valerie had.

"Stevie and me, we're besties." Kiki winked and waved at the poor guy, who flushed at the collar of his black t-shirt.

Stevie came back with a dirty martini for Kiki, and a refill of rum and Coke for Valerie. "There you go, ladies."

"Thanks, Stevie," Valerie said.

Kiki leaned her chin on her fist and regarded Valerie with droopy eyes. If Valerie didn't know any better, she might have just assumed Kiki was overly tired.

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?" Valerie asked.

"You walk around Port Charles with your head high, like you couldn't give two shits about these assholes who all look at you funny. After the party and everything with Dante, Lulu, and Dillon… Honestly, I would've just skipped town if that was me. I've thought about it so many times. But you, you won't let them tear you down."

Valerie offered Kiki a small smile. "To tell you the truth, I really don't know how I do it. Because while I might _look_ cool and composed on the outside, inside I'm a mess. I still—I still have feelings for Dante. He obviously doesn't feel the same way about me. I wish I could just flip 'em off like a switch, you know? But I think you always kind of feel like that about the first person who ever… expands your universe in that way."

Kiki snorted out a cynical laugh. "I thought that was Morgan, for me. Turns out he's a motherfucking—literally—backstabbing, cheating scumbag. No offense."

Valerie sighed and gave a little laugh. "None taken."

Kiki speared an olive floating in her drink with a toothpick and popped it in her mouth. "It's just… My dad was fucking murdered. My mom is textbook sociopath who only cares about what I can do for her, how having me in her life will benefit her. The life I thought I was building with Morgan apparently never even fucking existed. And the people here look at me like I don't belong. Like I don't deserve to be here." Kiki sighed and finished off her drink, slamming the glass down with a dull, angry thud. "I hate it so much sometimes, but I have nowhere else to go."

Valerie scooted her stool a little closer and put a hand on Kiki's shoulder. "I lost my mom and I never even knew my dad. All I am to these people is the homewrecker who broke up Dante and Lulu's perfect family. I know there are people around town who think this place would be better off if I just left, but you know what? I'm not gonna give them the satisfaction. I'm not gonna turn and run and let them win."

"You make it sound so easy," Kiki muttered, spinning her damp paper napkin on the slick countertop.

"It sucks. Believe me, it really sucks sometimes being so utterly alone, not having any family here who'll speak to me, or any real friends… But I get to be here too. I get to live in Port Charles. I do good work at the PCPD. I belong here. You belong here too, Kiki."

Kiki looked down and clasped her hands in her lap. "Thank you," she mumbled, face hidden by a curtain of unwashed blonde hair. "It means a lot that you'd say that. You hardly even know me."

Valerie squeezed her shoulder. "Do you think you've had enough. If you want, I can drop you off at your place on my way home."

"I'm good," Kiki said, looking up and giving Valerie a sincere smile. "I've got Uber on speed dial, practically."

"Gosh, don't those cost a lot of money? I can drop you off and I won't even charge you," Valerie said, with a laugh.

"Thanks for the offer. But I think there's someone here who wants your attention," Kiki said pointing.

Valerie turned and looked over her shoulder. Dillon stood in the doorway to the Floating Rib.

"That's one of the last people I want to see," Valerie said, sighing. She waved Stevie over, saying, "I'm cashing out now, Stevie."

"Alright, I'll settle your tab, Miss S," Stevie said, scurrying off.

Dillon approached Valerie and Kiki slowly, cautiously, like he thought the two of them were skittish farm animals. The thought rankled for some reason, and Valerie steeled her spine. She wasn't in a forgiving mood.

"What do you want?" Valerie asked.

"I'm here to apologize," he said.

"How did you even know I was at the Floating Rib?" She glared at him.

"I didn't but you're here and I'm here, so now's as good a time as any," Dillon said, smiling hopefully at her.

Valerie rolled her eyes and grabbed her credit card back from Stevie. "I'm not in the mood for a chat, Dillon. Not now, maybe not ever."

"Will you just hear me out?" he asked, shifting a glance at Kiki, who was watching the two of them intently. "Maybe we could go somewhere a little more private. Like a booth or something."

"Whatever you want to say to me, you can say it right here. Out in the open," Valerie said, tipping her chin up and challenging him with a stone-hard glare.

Dillon sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair. "Okay, look. You were right, Valerie. About everything. I played the footage thinking it would get Lulu to see that Dante didn't deserve her and I guess I did think she'd turn to me. But she's furious at me for humiliating her, she has every right to be. And you do too," he added.

"Me?" Valerie asked.

"I ripped open a lot of old scars that night, and hurt people I never intended to hurt," he said. "You really were a great friend to me, and I paid you back by turning you into the town pariah. I really miss talking to you. I need to know, do you ever see yourself forgiving me?"

Valerie sighed and shook her head. "Thank you for your apology," she said, moving closer, reaching out and touching his arm. "It means a lot to me, Dillon. It really does. I don't know if things will ever go back to being the same between us. What you did really hurt."

Dillon's shoulders flagged; he looked crestfallen. "I understand. I—"

"But that doesn't mean I don't want to try and fix this," she said. Valerie tossed a glance over her shoulder at Kiki, who was slumped against the bar, chin resting on her arm. "Actually, maybe you could help me and my new friend out."

"Sure. Anything you need," Dillon said, offering her a genuine smile.

Valerie smiled back. After the last couple weeks she'd had, any smile was welcome. Even if she was still pretty upset with Dillon Quartermaine.

* * *

Dillon pulled up in front of the loft where Kiki was staying with Franco and Nina, and killed the engine. Kiki was curled up in the back seat, a bottled water clutched to her chest.

"How you doin' back there?" Dillon asked.

"You're a shitty driver," Kiki croaked. "One more pothole and you'd have had the chow mein I ate for dinner all over your backseat."

"Good to know," Dillon said, pocketing his keys. He turned to Valerie. "Think I should fireman carry her up to her apartment?"

Valerie laughed. "I don't think we need to go that far." She got out of the car and helped Kiki out of the backseat, looping an arm around her waist. Kiki's knees buckled and Dillon caught her under her arms, holding her upright.

Valerie reached into her purse and pulled out a plastic bottle of aspirin, twisting the cap off and shaking a couple pills into her palm. After opening Kiki's bottled water, Valerie handed her the pills.

"Chase those pills with your water," she instructed, pulling Kiki's hair away from her sweaty forehead. "They'll help with the inevitable hangover."

Kiki sighed, doing as she was told, and chugged down the water. Some of it dribbled down her chin and Dillon dug Kleenex out of his jacket pocket for her.

"I'm such a mess," she moaned miserably, as the two of them helped her to the apartment building. "Thank you so much. Thank you for everything."

Abruptly, Kiki dropped the now-empty plastic water bottle and pulled both Valerie and Dillon into a group hug. Valerie patted her back gently and laughed.

"You'll be fine," Valerie said, giving her a squeeze before stepping back. "Just take care of yourself. And know that you're not alone. If you ever need somebody to talk to, you can call me. Day or night."

Valerie fished a scrap of paper and pen out of her purse and scribbled down her phone number, pressing it into Kiki's hand.

"Val's right," Dillon chimed in, as they helped Kiki get into the building. "You should listen to her. She's just brimming with good advice."

"Do you need us to come up with you?" Valerie asked.

"Nah. Franco and Nina are probably home. I'll just get them to let me in," she said, wavering slightly and throwing out her hands to steady herself.

"You sure about that?" Dillon caught her around the waist before she stumbled over her own feet.

"Yeah, I'm good." Kiki waved them off and headed for the elevators on considerably steadier footing.

Sated, the two of them headed back to Dillon's car.

"Well," Dillon said, once they were sitting in front of Kiki's building, "that was interesting."

"That poor girl," Valerie said, shaking her head. "She's all alone in a place that doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel awful for her."

"She's got us now," Dillon said, reaching out and squeezing Valerie's knee for a moment before starting his car up and pulling out of the lot. "But, somehow, I don't get the impression that this is all about Kiki. You know you're not totally alone either, Valerie. You've got me on your side, if you'll have me."

Valerie looked over at Dillon and smiled at him. "Thanks for the offer. I accept."

Dillon smiled back. "Glad to hear it, Spencer. You're gonna get sick of me, I bet."


End file.
